Dead Hearts
by CrimsonFlowerz
Summary: The Apocalypse was nothing, because they'd seen it coming; but what they didn't see were the Dead Hearts all around them. [PewdieCry] Rated M for later chapters
1. Dead Hearts

**Dead Hearts**

**Rating:** Mature

**Summary:** The Apocalypse was nothing, because they'd seen it coming; but what they didn't see were the Dead Hearts all around them.

**Pairings:** Felix(Pewds)/Marzia(Cutie), Felix(Pewds)/Ryan(Cry)

**Prompt:** What if... in some other world...Pewdie and Cry were actually best friends in post Apocalypse realm, Cry felt a strong love for Pewdie, but he knew that he had Marzia whom had died...even if Pewdie sometimes acted in a way that could be construed as 'flirting' it was because Pewdie thought of Cry as a brother, not a lover. Cry would stay up, every night while the object of his affection slept; hiding his tears under a mask and keeping watch to make sure he would be safe. They only had each other.

x

They were born in this world, this apocalyptic world. When the virus first started spreading, they weren't surprised, because they'd been suspicious of the Government's shady activity for a while. Although being unsurprised and completely terrified are two different things. They were terrified, and maybe that was an understatement. People in those first few months got married in a hurry; they wrote novels, jumped off cliffs, and destroyed small stores for the hell of it. They knew, everyone knew, that this life-time was over. Everything here that existed now would be useless, abandoned in the aftermath.

Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg and his girlfriend Marzia Bisognin moved from their home in Europe to America in order to try and outrun the disease which started in Felix's home country Sweden.

Ryan Terry (very American compared to Felix and Marzia) accepted them into his home, which quickly became something of a safe haven, because his family owned a lot of land. The people coming over began building, and they constructed a few shelters, kitchens, and rest areas before the disease reached America. The group has grown since then, and now became a huge family-like community, consisting of a little over 500 people.

The virus, coming to be known as the "Corpse Virus", is greatly feared by the community, but ever since they shut down the facility, they'd been fairly safe…

x

"There's been a breach!" a man shouted from out on the street. Ryan dropped his journal he'd been writing in and immediately ran outside for more information. By the time he was outside, there was a small crowd forming.

"A breach?" he commanded, moving people aside so he could get to the man he wanted to question. "Tell me where. Now!"

The man from before rubbed his arms, as if he were still recovering from some disturbing images, but he didn't have time to pity the man- if he didn't cooperate, the whole facility could be in danger.

"Tell me where!" Ryan shouted.

He didn't get a chance to respond before an ear-splitting scream pierced the air, followed by sounds of struggle from the West Gate. Ryan ran back to his porch to grab a crossbow and arrows, and trailed the small group of braver people to the area where the scream was heard.

When they got to the West Gate, they found only a few Flesh, only about 10 or so, but scattered about where also a few corpses, which they reluctantly shot as well, unwilling to let them come back as Flesh as well; unwilling to let them suffer further.

"Marzia, Marzia," Ryan heard the chanting, and all the warmth drained from his body. He couldn't feel himself move, but he found himself standing over his friend Felix. His friend Felix who was smoothing his hands over Marzia's quickly cooling skin. A huge gash in her side gushed blood, too deep to fix. "Help her! WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING AROUND?" he screamed, but Marzia reached up weakly and shushed him.

Ryan felt the tears, but they didn't fall, as if too shocked to. Felix buried his face in the crook of Marzia's neck, and rocked back and forth until she took her last breath.

x

They stared wearing the masks a few months ago, when the outbreaks started. They were small, like acne, and harmless. But some of the villagers would simply stone anyone with defects to death, afraid… so very afraid of their own deaths.

Ryan, as the (new) leader, took control of the small community fairly quickly and passed a new law. They all had to own their own, hand-made mask. Made of whatever they could spare. This way, anyone could be wearing a mask, defect or not, and no one could decipher well enough to risk killing an innocent. Some people wore masks to represent their family heritage, or to show how much power they held in society. Ryan made his own mask, a blank mask, with two simple eye holes, and a neutral expression. As the leader, he didn't make himself higher than anyone else, but his mask was definitely recognizable. He became known as Cryaotic, after some citizens couldn't decide his intention… was he weak, or powerful? Cryaotic, two parts: Cry and Chaotic. Combined, he was both, a favorable leader in such an age. Even the more powerful people respected him, respected his capability.

Although Ryan was weak… he was. He didn't let anyone know. Ever since Felix and Marzia moved into his home, he tried so hard to protect himself, but in an apocalyptic world, a boy can get lonely. Felix had Marzia, but who did Ryan have?

He had wanted Felix before any of this ever happened. Having been internet friends, seeing his face regularly over Skype chat, it was not difficult to become entangled in an infatuation with the young Swede. He was funny, honest, and when he smiled, Ryan often felt light-headed with joy. He had been crushed when he found out Felix had a girlfriend, and not just any girlfriend, but Marzia; the cute, perfect, Italian girl who was both loyal and loving. Ryan didn't want to break them up, he wasn't that kind of guy… but Felix had been his anchor, his crush- ironically the crush that ended up crushing him.

It was sick and twisted, but he couldn't lie that he had felt a certain amount of hope in Marzia's demise. He had felt disgusted with himself, ashamed, but he couldn't stop thinking about such an opportunity. Felix was crushed, defeated, and lonely. Wasn't this the best time to take advantage of him?

No.

Ryan stared down at his mask, the mask that concealed his face. No one really remembered his face anymore. Everyone described him as Cryaotic, the one with the white mask.

x

"Oi," came a Swedish voice, the accent still heavy, even though he'd been exposed to America for a while now, "Cry."

Ryan looked over to Felix as he approached, watching him carefully. He blushed under his mask, aware that Felix hadn't spoken to him for days, ever since the fight in the Mess Hall about the bread shortage. Cry has ended the disagreement with a bullet through the roof. It had startled and scared the other villagers, but it had also solved the problem. Felix told Ryan that he should probably watch himself, and then let him alone.

It had been almost a year since Marzia's death, and 9 months since Ryan started wearing his persona, Cry. The tension between Felix and Ryan had been fierce for a while, and many of the villagers were wondering when they were going to settle that. As the leader, it was Ryan's duty to settle disputes, but this one he couldn't settle, at least not now. He worried that the villagers thought of him as weak.

Which he was, but no one needed to know that.

"Felix, what's going on?" he asked, adjusting by placing a hand on the gun at his belt. Felix disregarded the defensive position, and continued.

"I just wanted to talk to you," he said, looking down at his ratty shoes. "Can we talk somewhere… private?"

Ryan took his hand off his gun, but still stood stiffly before Felix. He nodded, and they made their way to Ryan's cabin; the captain's cabin. When they were inside, Ryan went immediately to get Felix a glass of water.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

Ryan walked into the room with the water, but upon seeing his friend's expression, he set the cup down, forgotten.

"You," he said quickly. "I mean, you've been fairly distant… from me… since Marzia…"

"What're you talking about?" Ryan cut him off softly, looking over at his friend. Felix frowned, rubbing his arm halfheartedly.

"Well, I'm worried about you," he muttered, "death is not an easy thing, and if you… well, liked her…"

"I had no feelings for Marzia!" Ryan suddenly shouted, his whole frame stiffening defensively. Felix winced, surprised by his outburst.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand…" Felix said slowly. "Why aren't you talking to me then?"

There was a silence, a sort of silence that suggested more; the sort of silence that spoke, in the back of your head, and you knew what it was saying. Felix looked sideways at Ryan, but then he took a deep breath in, and left.

Ryan ripped the mask from his face, snapping the strap that held it in place. He was angry, so very angry. He could not protect his friends, in fact, he couldn't even protect himself. He smashed the mask against his coffee table, and watched it shatter into pieces.

x

He knew that Felix knew. He knew that he wasn't going to get anywhere now. Before he might've had a chance- because Felix had been defenseless, and possibly willing, to fall right into Ryan's arms without even trying. He didn't have to make this complicated, but he had.

It had been a few days since the little meeting of theirs. He hadn't seen head or tail of Felix, and he was wondering if he'd ever be able to see him again… after what hadn't been said, after what they both knew all along, but hadn't wanted to admit it.

Ryan was in love with him, in love with Felix.

"Have you seen Felix around?" Ryan asked a boy named Ken. He had also been one of Felix's friends that had known him prior to the epidemic.

"I think he said he was going to go drink some," he answered. "What's wrong with your mask?"

Ryan reached up and brushed his hand over the long cracks in his mask. He had been trying to make a new one, but slipped up near the end. His mask had two long cracks that split the mask nearly in thirds. He'd been able to keep the mask together by re-casting it, but the cracks didn't exactly go away, they just became scars.

"I tried to make a new one…" he trailed off, and he could practically hear the question on the tip of Ken's tongue, but Ken didn't say anything else. He could probably tell Ryan was frustrated and vulnerable right now.

"I'm not sure if he wants to talk," Ken said instead. "He didn't talk to me, just said he was going out for a drink."

Ken continued the short conversation by talking about the new villager who said they wanted to start their own brewery. Everyone had been thrilled, Ryan the most, possibly. He'd always wanted to try making his own drinks from scratch.

"Maybe you should just skip the bar and go home," Ken suggested. But Ryan put his hands up.

"I have to talk to him…"

"If you had a fight, maybe you should wait him out."

"It's not like that," Ryan said softly. "I'm not sure he'll ever come around."

They were both silent as some of the street lights that still worked flickered on, the sun finally making its way down behind some of the structures on the property.

"Then I wish you luck, Ryan."

x

At the bar, he couldn't find Felix anywhere. He conversed with a few people there, even the bartender, who gave him a shot of whiskey on the house. Ryan declined the drink up until his friends finally convinced him to drink it. After an hour or two of drinking and talking, Ryan excused himself, thinking he was okay enough to go home, even without confronting Felix.

When he got home, he was surprised to see the front door unlocked. Did he forget to lock it? He made his way inside, cautiously, and was surprised to see his house key sitting on the hallway table leading from the front door to the kitchen.

"Someone here?" he asked to the house, but didn't receive a response, so he continued inside, locking the door behind him. He fumbled around the kitchen, a little drunker than he originally thought, until he decided it was probably best to just go to sleep now.

But when he walked into his room, he was surprised to find Felix there, wearing one of Ryan's bigger t-shirt, from his baggy-shirt-phase. He blushed, looking at Felix, and Felix turned and blushed right back.

"What're you doing here?" he asked Felix, his voice low and defensive.

"I'm here for you," Felix said, his voice sounding a bit weak and shaky. Ryan noticed Felix's slightly puffy eyes.

"What do you want, Felix?" Ryan asked, but didn't approach him. Felix did that for him. When he was close enough, Felix reached up and brushed his fingers over the cheek of the mask, down one of the longer scars. Ryan grabbed his wrist.

"I think you should leave," Ryan advised, but Felix shook his head. Ryan let his hand fall from the Swede's wrist. Felix then gently slid the mask from his face and dropped it to the ground. He smoothed a thumb beneath Ryan's dull blue eyes, brushing away some of his over-grown, dark, brown hair.

The next thing he knew, Felix was kissing him. Ryan wasn't sure what was happening, but the alcohol he drank earlier was buzzing through his body and he didn't exactly care right now. He used his strength advantage over Felix to shove him down onto his bed and pin his wrists down.

"What are you doing?" Ryan asked breathlessly, but didn't really let Felix respond, because their lips were connected again. Felix's hands weaseled their way out of Ryan's grip, and started grabbing at the other with a sort of needy passion that Ryan could clearly feel through the touches. Ryan leaned back to throw his shirt off and unbuckle his pants. Felix blushed, but mimicked him, tossing his shirt aside, and unbuttoning his pants.

"You don't know…" Ryan started his voice cracking slightly as he leaned forward and gave Felix a much gentler kiss, which Felix returned easily. "You don't know how long I've loved you…"


	2. I'll Be There

**Dead Hearts**

**Rating:** Mature

**Summary:** The Apocalypse was nothing, because they'd seen it coming; but what they didn't see were the Dead Hearts all around them.

**Pairings:** Felix(Pewds)/Marzia(Cutie), Felix(Pewds)/Ryan(Cry)

**Prompt:** What if... in some other world...Pewdie and Cry were actually best friends in post Apocalypse realm, Cry felt a strong love for Pewdie, but he knew that he had Marzia whom had died...even if Pewdie sometimes acted in a way that could be construed as 'flirting' it was because Pewdie thought of Cry as a brother, not a lover. Cry would stay up, every night while the object of his affection slept; hiding his tears under a mask and keeping watch to make sure he would be safe. They only had each other.

x

"What do you mean," Felix asked weakly, "love me?"

Ryan froze then, not having realized something like that had slipped from his lips. He brushed some hair out of Felix's face with a gentle hand.

"I…" he trailed off, his hand pausing on the other man's cheek. "I've loved you… even before all this happened."

x

It was a normal day, fairly quiet and casual. Ryan woke up that morning in his apartment he lived in by himself, and logged onto his computer. He'd just bought a new computer, a fast, gaming computer, so he could play online with other people. Before, not too long ago, he'd met this guy named Felix. His screen name was "PewDiePie" and he was a big gamer. He played all the new games for the people who followed him on YouTube. For some reason, PewDiePie had reached out to Ryan and asked if he'd like to do some gaming together. Back then, his screen name was ChaoticMonki (Cry for short), after watching someone with a similar name.

They had scheduled to play a simple game today, Minecraft. It would be the first real interaction between them, and they'd be using Skype chat too, so they could see each other's faces. It was a fairly large step for Ryan, because he had barely told the man his real name. He had trust issues, and that was fine and normal, because he didn't know what some people out there would do to him.

Like break his heart.

Other than the still-wavering trust, Ryan was excited to play with Felix. His friends didn't come around often anymore, not since he broke up with his girlfriend (who most of his friends were friends with him because of) but he was glad they were gone. They hadn't really been his friends after all.

The call came in with the normal, bubbly, default ringtone Skype used.

"Hey, how's it goin' bro?" PewDiePie asked. "Whoa, your face, I finally get to see it."

Cry blushed, because he was awkward with face-to-face things, and didn't do it often. He pushed his index fingers together, trying to think of something to say back. Pewdie continued, seeming to get that Cry was fairly lost on this.

"I kinda imagined that you might've been much older," he started, "but not like an old man- like mid-thirties or something."

Cry was kinda shocked. He knew he sounded mature but, "what gave you that idea?"

"Just your over-all maturity," Pewdie said. "You act like you know everything, and I'm not saying that in the mean way, because you seem to know pretty much everything."

Cry blushed again, this time a deeper shade of red. Pewdie noticed and gave a small chuckle.

"Dude, what's with the shy act?"

"I-I'm sorry I'm not so great with interaction that is face-to-face. My people skills are sort of rusty."

Pewdie smiled at him, "why hide such a handsome face?"

Cry felt his heart pound, and he knew right then that this was more than his usual nervousness; but for now he shoved it aside, into a deep, dark corner of his mind. This wasn't only over the internet, but it was also a… a friend?

"It makes me feel like Batman, you know…" he paused. "The whole 'who's the superhero; should we trust him?' sort of thing. I also enjoy seeing what people think I look like. Some of them get really close just based off my voice."

Pewdie seemed to consider that for a moment, then smiled. "That does seem like it'd be pretty fun. The fans have almost always known what I look like."

"Well, you're more handsome than me, and you have this sort of silly… fun personality that you can only really show." Cry said. "While I can just… speak, or read, and that's all anyone really needs."

"You have a point," Pewdie responded, nodding. "But…"

Cry looked at Pewdie after a moment of silence and realized he was staring at him.

"You just have such, nice blue eyes." Pewdie said matter-of-factly. "And your hair ain't bad, either."

Cry looked away, rubbing the side of his face shyly. "Are we gonna play some Minecraft, or what?"

Pewdie laughed then and nodded happily, acting like it was the best thing in the world.

"Let's do this, bro!"

x

It wasn't long before they were falling into a pattern; a sort of comforting string of events that would never fail to take place. Ryan would go out to find a job, but the economy was bad, and no one was hiring. The Apocalypse loomed over their heads like a black rain cloud, even on the brightest, sunniest days. People started making vaccines to everything, fearing that any virus could turn lethal in our society in this age. The vaccines ended up killing more people than they saved, because a lot of them were foreign- and the vaccines were often performed poorly.

People were in a terrible hurry to die.

Ryan would get on Skype later and Felix was there, smiling like an idiot and making Ryan fall deeper and deeper into this thing that he couldn't get out of. 'It's a phase,' he told himself 'it doesn't have to be like this'. He told himself this, but he didn't believe it… not for a second. Even then, Ryan was weak. He wasn't a leader, even though he liked to act like one. If Ryan was good for something, he was good at lying; and that's all he really needed to succeed in the world.

"Have you gotten a job yet, Cry?" Pewdie asked almost as soon as his face appeared on the Skype window.

"The job search has been inconclusive…" Cry said with a sigh. "I think I'm going to just give up and become a gamer like you."

Pewdie laughed, and the sound filled Cry with a pleasant buzz that made him blush a light pink.

"Have you heard about the vaccines?" Pewdie asked after he'd stopped laughing. He looked serious now. "Don't get any vaccines."

Cry fell silent, speechless, because Pewdie was never demanding; but this time he was. He was being protective. Cry fiddled with the end of his sweater and averted his eyes.

"Wow, you must really care about me," he muttered, not meaning for it to be said aloud. Pewdie, who'd been eerily quiet, looking utterly pissed when Cry looked back up.

"Why would you ever think…?" Pewdie started, but then he seemed to stop himself, his pissed face being exchanged for a very upset one. "Have I done something to make you believe I don't… care about you?"

Cry opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it, because this was just something that didn't happen to him. Ever since he cut all ties with his parents, and then shortly after his friends, he hadn't had anyone actually care about him. He forgot what it felt like… for someone to worry about him.

"I'm just- n-not used to this," he stuttered, "this sort of relationship."

He blushed, hoping Pewdie didn't take that the wrong way. Pewdie didn't look away. He attempted a sad smile.

"Well, I just want you to know that I'm always here for you." Pewdie promised. Cry shrugged, his pride shining through his embarrassment.

"Well… I'm not so sure I need you." He said, sort of mockingly.

"I'll be here whether you want me or not," Pewdie confirmed. "Now gimme a brofist."

x

The days were getting shorter, as summer fell into winter, and people started becoming more exposed to viruses and illness. The "_Corpse Virus_" spread throughout Sweden, and people were leaving in droves. By the time the virus took out the majority of Germany, Felix and Marzia were moved informally into England. They were only there temporarily until they could get transportation to travel to Florida, where Ryan resided, in a secure shelter. While they were waiting in England, Felix called Ryan.

He was terrified.

"R-Ryan," Felix cried over the phone. "We're in England and we're terrified. We're going to try and f-find a way to get over to America, b-but we might take a while so don't worry about us so soon, alright?"

"Hang in there, buddy," Ryan comforted his friend calmly, except his chest constricted uncomfortably. Felix was in danger, and he was with other people who might also be in danger… or worse, they could be _dangerous_.

"D-don't worry 'bout it, Cry," Felix tried to joke, but he got choked up after and took a shaky breath in. Ryan's heart broke.

"H-how's Marzia?" Ryan interjected, even though he was crushed when he found out about Marzia, she was still one of Felix's only source of comfort.

"She's f-fine. She's healthy. She's looking at some pugs right now, we stopped at the pet store," Felix explained. "She's always wanted a pug."

"Well, that's good, keep her distracted," Ryan said. "If she's happy, you can be happy, alright?"

There was a long pause; and some shuffling, or maybe the rustle of clothes, created static in the phone. Ryan heard small yips in the background, like a little of active pups.

"Marzia," Ryan heard Felix say, almost drowned out by the pups. "Ryan's on the phone. He wishes us safe travel. He can't wait to see us."

'Can't wait to see _you_, Felix,' Ryan thought to himself. 'Marzia isn't as important.'

"Awe, ask him if it's okay if we can bring a pug," she said, broken hope clear in her voice.

"Marzia… you know we can't do that. There's going to be a lot of people at the shelter."

Ryan gave a sigh as the noise of the pet shop drowned out their voices. He heard the cheerful chirping of birds, the playful barks of dogs, and the pleasant, non-frantic chatter of people. He was used to the radio, the chaotic news reports, the flaming buildings, and the dwindling of governments into Anarchy. He's listened to dictators fall, to monuments destroyed, and to people very literally eaten alive. It was nice… a relief… to just hear the simple sounds of a pet store.

"Ryan, are you still there?" It was Marzia's voice.

"Yes, I am."

"Ryan," she started, and she sounded worried. There was a pause, and it sounded like she was moving further away from the noise in the Pet Store.

"Is everything okay, Marzia?" Ryan asked. He was genuinely concerned. Expecting the worst, he forced himself into a sort of calm state. On the other line, he heard a soft sniffling.

"Ryan," she said, her voice shaking. "I'm sick, Ryan."

x

From there it just got worse. The entire continent of Europe was disregarded. Word spread that the country was completely overrun. The United States Government, who was recently sending their updated vaccines to Europe, cut all contact with that country, and kept their vaccines. They needed them, but Europe… Europe was gone.

Feliz and Marzia arrived in Florida before the shut-down. They made their way to Ryan's shelter, where they were given a room. Ryan greeted them as one of the 'mayors' of the shelter. The shelter was more like a small town, where a collection of people offered to take up the position of 'mayor'. A group of them balanced out the responsibilities and authority so that none of them were more powerful than the other.

But then came the first few _Corpse_ attacks; they were concentrated at the West Gate. They knew the area was dangerous by then, but people kept going there; to either mourn the dead, or search for possible supplies that were buried in the wreckage. They had already built the Gate back up by the time Felix and Marzia arrived. They were briefed on the situation and given jobs to perform. Felix was with the building crew, but he also looked after children/teens when he wasn't needed for work. Marzia offered to be a nurse, and sometimes she helped cook. Everything the village did was a group effort, and they were happy to be a part of it.

Ryan watched Marzia, watched her get weaker and weaker. It was only a matter of time before she would have to be put down. Felix was so blind; blind to the fact that Marzia was sick… that Marzia was dying. He didn't want it to be true, so it wasn't, not to him anyways. He carried on like nothing was amiss, but even he noticed her rapid decline in health.

When the breach happened, Marzia sacrificed herself to save Felix. He and some other men had been working on finding supplies, when a few fast Corpses ran at them. Marzia pulled Felix away and shoved him into a structure that collapsed upon impact, trapping him away from the Corpses. She was fatally wounded when one of them dug their bony fingers into her side and ripped away a substantial amount of skin. They didn't kill her, though, because that's when others finally arrived and killed all the Corpses who breached. They wretched Felix from the rubble and he immediately ran to his beloved.

x

And year after that, they ended up here.

"I…" he trailed off, his hand pausing on the other man's cheek. "I've loved you… even before all this happened."

"You mean, the whole time I was talking to you online?" Felix asked, his expression becoming confused. "You… have had feelings for me the whole time?"

Ryan didn't know what to say, so he kept his mouth shut. He lowered his hand, resting it on Felix's hip. Felix pushed it aside.

"Ryan, this is too much…" he took a deep breath in and sat up.

"You were prepared to have sex with me like two minutes ago," Ryan said bluntly.

"Yeah, but…" he paused awkwardly, not looking at Ryan directly. "Now that I know you love me…"

"Why does that change anything?" Ryan asked, his heart rate speeding up. "Are you afraid of hurting me?"

Felix bit his lip. "I dunno, it's just- it doesn't feel right."

Ryan didn't want to ask the next question. He really didn't. But it just slipped out like, "why doesn't it?"

"Because I don't love you."


	3. But You'll Be Gone

**Dead Hearts**

**Rating:** Mature

**Summary:** The Apocalypse was nothing, because they'd seen it coming; but what they didn't see were the Dead Hearts all around them.

**Pairings:** Felix(Pewds)/Marzia(Cutie), Felix(Pewds)/Ryan(Cry)

**Prompt:** What if... in some other world...Pewdie and Cry were actually best friends in post Apocalypse realm, Cry felt a strong love for Pewdie, but he knew that he had Marzia whom had died...even if Pewdie sometimes acted in a way that could be construed as 'flirting' it was because Pewdie thought of Cry as a brother, not a lover. Cry would stay up, every night while the object of his affection slept; hiding his tears under a mask and keeping watch to make sure he would be safe. They only had each other.

x

Ryan was silent, because there were no words. No words for such a response as that. Ryan used to enjoy Felix's blunt-ness, how he always said things like they were, even if it hurt him or someone else. Ryan could take criticism; he could take the truth, but his heart? Well, that was a whole different level that none of this had ever even been on before. Ryan was weak, because his heart was weak.

And now, he felt very much like he was breaking.

"Wh- what do you mean, you can't say that," Ryan protested quickly. His breathing became irregular and his head swam. "You didn't even give me a ch- chance, I don't understand."

Felix grabbed his friend's wrists.

"Ryan, calm down… please."

"No," Ryan hiccupped, and now he could feel the hot tears. They hurt, but he didn't try and wipe them away. He wanted Felix to see his pain. He wanted Felix to know he wasn't the only one suffering. "Just because Marzia is dead doesn't give you the right to mope around all day, acting like you have been damned!"

And it was true, because Felix acted like he deserved other's pity and attention; like he was the only one who'd lost loved ones along the way, when that wasn't even close to the case. Felix was a pity party on wheels. It made Ryan angry, it made him rethink everything. Of course Felix wouldn't give him a chance… he wasn't giving himself a chance, to get over Marzia.

Ryan quickly wiped away his tears, smearing them across his face. He shoved Felix off the bed and onto his feet.

"Get out!" he shouted, his voice cracking.

"Ryan, I-" but Ryan didn't give him a chance.

"You don't deserve to be here!" Ryan continued at the same tone. "You don't deserve to take advantage of me!"

"What are you talk-"

"LEAVE!"

x

The world was getting darker, and colder, and much… much lonelier than before. At least before, he had Felix by his side, no matter what. He thought silently to himself about the very thing Felix had said to him barely two years ago today.

_I'll be here whether you want me or not._

Ryan guessed he might've been thinking under the wrong circumstances. Felix meant it; he really did, at the time… Felix really didn't know about Ryan's unrequited love for him then either.

"Ryan, we have to start sending them out again," Ken said to him softly. He knew this was hard for Ryan… he just hoped they could make it back this time.

"Okay," Ryan said stiffly, loading his holder with arrows and making sure his bow was warmed up. "Russ, Toby, Ken, and Nova; we're going out. Meet at the Northern Gate in 20 minutes."

The others nodded at their leader and went to make some proper preparations. Ryan stood there for a few extra minutes, his mask hiding the completely terrified expression on his face. He almost didn't hear the approaching footsteps.

"I want to come, too."

Ryan turned to the voice and was surprised to find Felix standing there, a shotgun attached to his belt. Ryan stared at him, making no noise at all, but then he couldn't take it any longer.

He started laughing.

"Hey, you don't understand, do you?" Felix argued. "I'm a man, too! Just because they made you _leader_ doesn't mean you're any better—"

Ryan walked up to his friend and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, holding them face-to-mask.

"You will die out there," Ryan confirmed. "You can't defend yourself from me. You've never been to any training sessions… and you couldn't even defend Marzia from her ailment."

"What are you talking about?" Felix asked, his voice strained with anger. He yanked himself away from Ryan's hold. "Marzia died in a breach… it wasn't because she was sick."

"But she was sick, and if she hadn't been, she would have tried to get away."

Felix's hand hovered over his shotgun for a moment, before dropping the act and covering his eyes with his hands. He dropped to his knees.

"Don't you talk about her," Ryan heard him whisper. "You're just jealous."

"What?" Ryan asked, and when it sank in, he began laughing again… this time more obviously broken… troubled. His voice was coarse and cracked from use.

"Jealous, you say? I'm jealous of Marzia?" Ryan cackled, clutching his middle. He drew a hand over the arch of his bow as he stopped laughing.

"Because she loved me, and I loved her back," Felix said. "But who could ever love someone like you?"

Ryan was silent then. He lifted his mask from his face and looked at Felix, no obstructions.

"Yeah," he agreed, and Felix's eyes widened in shock. "who could ever love a monster like me? I guess I am jealous of Marzia. I would much rather be dead, than live like this."

And then he put his mask back on…

And made his way to the Northern Gate.

x

Outside the gate, the damage was clear. Buildings were burnt to the ground, or ripped apart brick by brick. At the moment, there weren't any Corpses in the area, but that was surely going to change. Toby and Russ stayed close; the two of them had bonded since they arrived at the shelter. It was good to have a friend in this world, and Toby found Russ, and through Russ, found everyone else in this darkness. Ken and Nova scouted out ahead, still in sight, but further away, mostly out of earshot. They seemed to be talking, and would break apart randomly to search the remains of buildings and cars.

Ryan looked on from behind, so that nothing could sneak up on them. He had his bow and arrow, so he could make long-range shots from behind the group, and close range shots were he stood. He had always assumed that one day it would be important to know how to use a compound bow, and he was horribly correct.

"Food Lion up ahead," Ken called back to Ryan, "a few _Corpses_ outside, probably more inside!"

"Let's do this," Ryan said to himself, and he started catching up with Ken and Nova, Toby and Russ following close behind him. When they got there, Ryan easily took out most of the corpses, and Ken used his throwing knives to get the rest. They wouldn't use guns until they were inside, because the sound could attract more Corpses.

"Hurry inside," Ryan demanded, taking up the leading position while Ken and Toby fell to the back.

Inside was completely silent, aside from the awkward shuffling heard in the depths of the store. It was eerie and dark, the power probably having gone out months ago now.

Ryan motioned for Toby and Ken to go to the right, while Russ and Nova followed him to the left. They found lots of food, most of it intact and not moldy. They shoved the food they could carry into their backpacks without disrupting the _Corpses_ in the store… or so they thought.

An ear-piercing, inhuman screech sounded from the far right of the store, and Ryan's heart began pounding. Loud gun shots were heard, followed by the tell-tale moans of the _Corpses_.

"Toby…" Russ growled, "we have to get them!"

Russ and Nova started running to the other side of the store, but Ryan just stood there, dumbfounded. He didn't know why he couldn't move, he just couldn't. He imagined Toby's dead, bloody body rising and trying to bite a chunk of flesh off him. The image made him shiver. He looked down the aisle at the low growl of a Corpse.

"No," he whispered, readying his bow and arrow. He pointed it at its head… only one shot…

But as the thing came closer, Ryan began to recognize the body. The same color hair as him, the same eyes, except now they were cloudy and sightless.

"B-Brian?" he muttered. An image of a younger boy, much younger than him, with his dark hair and blue eyes, appeared in his mind. He was laughing and playing with dinosaur toys that were painted in unrealistic, neon colors.

"I'm so sorry…" he cried, and his voice cracked, but he was close now. So close. A tear fell down Ryan's face, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't shoot his own brother…

But then a shot rang out, and the _Corpse_ hit the floor at his feet, a bullet hole in his head.

Ryan gasped, he hadn't been the one to shoot him, so who had? He looked to the side and was surprised, and angered, to see Felix with a pistol. He was covered in blood, hopefully not his own, and he looked more powerful than he ever has. His eyes were bright; his face flushed; and his hands shook with adrenaline.

He was terrifying.

"Where's the others?" he growled, low in his throat. Ryan couldn't do anything, he was stunned speechless. When he looked down at the Corpse, he swallowed thickly. He tore a blanket from a shelf near-by and laid it over the body.

"I'm so sorry, Brian," he whispered to it, and then stood up again. He looked at Felix, and motioned for him to hurry, but quietly. There were sounds of struggle coming from where they were headed, but they wanted to keep away as many _Corpses_ as possible, so they moved as silently as they could.

"Toby, help!" came Nova's distinct yelp. Felix and Ryan ran out into the larger area of the store, and were stunned to see the sheer amount of _Corpses_ piled around the four boys. Nova was struggling with a big, jock-like one with huge arms and shoulders. They were currently in a power struggle, Nova's crowbar knocked a few feet away. Toby raised his shotgun, but put it down, not trusting his own accuracy.

Ryan was about to jump in and help, when Ken launched himself on the _Corpse's_ back. He drew back, and plunged the crowbar through its chest and it fell to the ground. He then proceeded to bash it's head in a few times. Ryan stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Ken and Ryan exchanged glances, and then Ken noticed Felix and he dropped his crowbar and hugged him tight.

"You're so fucking dumb! You could've gotten killed out there without us…" Ken fretted. "I'm mean, you're fine, but… don't do it again."

Felix blushed lightly, but he pat Ken's back in return. When they parted, Felix looked happy, and Ryan wondered if the angry, animal-like Felix he'd seen earlier was just his imagination.

"Get the supplies," Ryan ordered, and the boys hurriedly collected the food they managed to get into their bags. "We need to get back and make another trip by sun-down."

x

On the way back, Ryan was completely silent. Had the _Corpse _he'd seen actually been his brother? If so, what did that mean for the rest of his family? He'd cut ties with them quite a while ago, in fact, 5 years coming up. He silently wondered why he was thinking about this at all. He hadn't cared for his family… that's why he never even wondered about them, right?

Ryan shook off the disturbed feeling he'd gotten from the _Corpse_, and tried to focus. They were going out again soon, and this time, Felix…

He turned around and looked the Swede. He was conversing with Ken, while wiping himself off with a dish rag they'd found leaving the store. Turns out, none of the blood had been his own. In fact, none of it was from fighting, either. When he was following them, he tripped on something in the street and fell onto a small pile of bodies, effectively coating himself with their blood. The dead smell of cold blood kept the _Corpses _away mostly, which was good for him. The only one he actually killed was the one that had Ryan trapped. It was a good thing that it wasn't Felix's blood, because putting Felix down would be like…

Putting Marzia down.

Ryan shivered slightly, and hoped no one really noticed. He kept his place in front now, Nova at his side. Behind him were Ken and Felix, and behind them where Toby and Russ. Each of them had large satchels full of canned and packaged food that was still (mostly) good. They had a whole village to feed. Soon they would have to be able to go hunting (which, fortunately, Ryan already knew how to do) or start gardening.

Every day, Ryan watched people leave their shelter. He didn't know why, but some people didn't feel safe in their little home. Maybe they were worried about an outbreak, then everyone would be dead, easily enough. If an outbreak happened, Ryan wasn't sure what he'd do. He would have to kill whoever became infected, but would he be able to do it?

Maybe, as long as his heart allowed it.

He could put a bullet or an arrow in a _Corpse's _head without hesitation, but when it came to those fatal moments before the transformation happened, he became weak. These people didn't want to die… they didn't want to kill anyone. It was sad to see.

"Something on your mind, Ryan?" Nova asked him, his eyes observing him. Everyone saw that Ryan was sort of shaken up. They knew that he'd been 'saved' by Felix from a _Corpse_, but they didn't know why. Ryan was perfectly capable of killing the _Corpses_, so why had he hesitated that time? Ryan wasn't going to tell them that it might've been his brother… no one even knew anything about his family, and they didn't really need to know. It would make no difference.

"Yeah," Ryan said to his friend. "I'm just worried about the condition of the camp recently. We need to start doing something about the supplies."

"Yeah, you're right. But we've gotten this far, we can pull together and keep on going, don't you think?" Nova said optimistically. Ryan smirked a little under his mask. He was glad for people like Nova, people who believed they could move forward, despite everything. Without those people, their little community would've fallen apart a long time ago.

"Yeah, I think so."


End file.
